Sorrow and hard times come to us to crack the shell that encases our understanding.
– Khalil Gibran

It is tied to another good one:

There are few misfortunes in the world
that cannot be turned into a personal triumph
if you have the iron will and the necessary skill.
– Nelson Mandela

I got both of these thanks to a video on leadership I own; a talk given by Robin Sharma while in South Africa last year.

As I reflect on the past four years of my professional life, this holds true – although it’s only recently that I’ve become able to say this. These past years have contained many, many disappointments, many stresses, many miscues, and A LOT of getting knocked down and getting back up again.

In the midst of that, I would be lying to you if I said that I was sitting there saying to myself, “Hey, this is a great growth opportunity.”

No.

I was saying things like, “Why is this happening to me!?  This is unfair!  Where’s my reward for all my hard work?  What?  AGAIN?  This happened to me AGAIN? “

Sure, I can (and do) give myself credit for gaining lots of insights along the way, and for seeking out (and finding) growth opportunities at certain points in time, but I really think the overall theme of my mindset was some combination of surprise, bewilderment, deep deep disappointment, anger, frustration, indignation, a sense of injustice, and yes, sometimes even resignation and despair.

But now – I am delighted to say – I’m through the abyss.
I’ve let go of all the upset, and embraced the lessons.
This didn’t happen on its own, however, or by chance.
This is why the title of this post says “Hard Times Can Build You Up”
As Nelson Mandela so rightly puts it, it took A TON of will, and A LOT of skill.

Hard times can also break you down.  At a minimum, they’ll knock you down.

Sadly, some of us don’t ever get back up.

Sure, we look like we have, but in reality we are a shadow of our former selves.  An empty shell, walking around with a fake smile pasted on our faces.  That, my friends, is the real tragedy.

Did I have the will and the skill on my own to grow from this all the time?  Absolutely not.  “No man is an island”, said John Donne (I’ve used that quote before).   I got support from my wife, from friends, from other family members, from coaches, colleagues, mentors, courses, books, audios, videos, movies, even some TV series.

But I got there.

Now I can turn around and share what I have learned with others.  And I am – starting right here.

Wishing you triumph out of pain.

]]> http://peterhiddema.com/featured/from-pain-to-triumph/feed/ 0 http://peterhiddema.com/featured/the-great-tragedy-of-life/ http://peterhiddema.com/featured/the-great-tragedy-of-life/#comments Thu, 19 Jan 2012 03:57:57 +0000 Peter http://peterhiddema.com/?p=965 I came across a quote today that I want to share with you.

It’s one I’ve heard before, but well worth repeating – and well worth remembering.

I was watching a leadership video by one of my favourite leadership thinkers – Robin Sharma.   In the video, he shared this quote:

The great tragedy of life is not death;
The great tragedy of life
it is what we allow to die within us
while we live.

– Norman Cousins

So true, and so easy to forget.

In the same video, Robin shared another quote I am fond of, from a psychologist.

Adults are nothing more than deteriorated children.

From this, Robin generated a powerful question:

What would the child you were think of the adult you’ve become?

Words to live by.

Let’s all live with these quotes and questions as our theme.

]]> http://peterhiddema.com/featured/the-great-tragedy-of-life/feed/ 0 http://peterhiddema.com/featured/what-is-success/ http://peterhiddema.com/featured/what-is-success/#comments Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:40:08 +0000 Peter http://peterhiddema.com/?p=961 Yesterday my wife and I received a beautiful card from dear friends, congratulating us on the birth of our second child.

In it, there were two beautiful and important quotes.

I’m sharing the first one today, which occurs to me more like a poem, in fact:

To laugh often and much,
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty;
to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to have played and laughed with enthusiasm
and sung with exultation;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived -
that is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

In this material world we live in, where we are constantly tempted by (and measured by) the external signs of success that still leave us feeling empty, may all of us have the courage and perspective to keep reminding ourselves of WHAT REALLY MATTERS, as spoken so beautifully above by Emerson.

Speaking of what really matters, here’s a photo from yesterday our baby girl, now over a month old already:

Savour life’s special moments, life’s beauties, and yes, even (at least some of) life’s difficulties.

Collectively, they provide life’s richness.

I’m offering some thoughts on life, on enjoyment, on choices, on living in the moment, etc.

I had the good fortune of living here for a summer a long time ago as a participant in a summer work exchange program, while I was an undergraduate university student.  It is GREAT to be back.

Have a look, and make 2012 count!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOUwRuF9-zQ

January 1st, 2012.

The earth has completed another orbit around the sun.

It’s 10:45pm and I’m sitting down to write this brief note. I wanna get it on here while it’s still the 1st day of the year in my time zone.

I like firsts.

1st day of the week, 1st day of the month, 1st day of the year;

each one feels like a chance to start again.

I also like first-time experiences.  The first time you experience anything is usually extra special and very memorable.

Think about your first kiss or the first time you fell in love; the first time you traveled to a place you longed to see; the first time you moved away from home.  You remember them all, don’t you?

And I like the ring of 2012.

Not sure why, I just do.

By the way, the stuff you’ll hear increasingly this year about the Mayan Calendar supposedly predicting the end of the world in December is BOGUS, and is a waste of your mental and emotional energy.  It won’t take you much to put your mind at ease on this matter if for some reason you are worried about it.  Just read some articles published by reputable magazines like National Geographic or reputable newspapers worldwide and you’ll quickly see that the original notion came from a poor interpretation of the archaeological findings.   Or maybe I’m wrong and the world will end.  I doubt it though.  Either way we should all be trying to be the best version of ourselves all the time anyway.  If we do this more often than not, it won’t matter if/when the world ends.

But I digress.

Like a lot of people, I took a little bit of time off toward the end of December, and like a lot of people, I could use more.  But I’m ok with it.  I’ve already booked off certain days to give myself what I need in terms of “recovery time”.

I’m starting 2012 after another series of disappointments in my professional life last year, and yet another year of difficult business conditions.  That makes four tough years in a row now.  I have to be honest – it’s really tiring.

But I’m going to start fresh, and give myself what I need to make 2012 a year I’ll be really happy about.

My wish for you is that you do the same for yourself – especially if you’ve had tough times.

To a fresh start.

I’m just about to take some, thankfully.   And, I’m going to hang out in a scene something like this:

BUT

Here I sit, writing this blog entry in the wee hours of December 24th.  Literally, it is 12:24am as I type at my computer.

I just finished my work for the week.  Sheesh!  Now I will take exactly one week off before I get back at it on January 2nd (even though that is a statutory holiday in Canada). I know, I sound like I’m complaining – and I sort of am – but it’s ok really.  I generally create ways to balance things out when my work gets out of whack. That’s supposed to be one of the advantages of being self-employed (although sadly, the research shows that most self-employed people  – and most employees too – do not take advantage of whatever freedoms they have to balance things out.

Why?

Because of fear.  That’s why.

Fear of what?  Fear of somehow being harmed by setting limits and saying, “No, I’m not available for that”.

But our fears are all too often misplaced and overplayed.

And remember, all you have in this life is any given moment.  If  you give too many of those away to things you don’t value, you will wind up bitter and resentful.

I wish you all the courage to set boundaries that respect what YOU need.

For all those celebrating Christmas at this time of year (as I am), I wish you a very Merry Christmas indeed.

And to everyone, I wish you all the very best for 2012.  Make it a year well-lived.  That is my promise to myself.

Experiences like this are most humbling and remind me once again of the magic of life and the beauty of many small moments.

Here is our little sweetie:

May you all take time to savour small moments of joy. You don’t need to have a child to experience them – they are all around us if we just pause to notice.

Yesterday Toronto had its first snowfall of the season – a very light dusting of about 1/2 a centimetre – just enough to give us a beautiful white dusting on the lawns, but not enough to cause any hassle whatsoever for the hundreds of thousands (millions?) of people who commute each day in the Greater Toronto Area. Perfect!

I don’t know about you, but nothing gets me into the Christmas spirit like a little dusting of snow. And to receive it the day before December starts? Well, that’s perfect.

I have always found it difficult to get into the Christmas spirit much before December, and have usually used December 1st as the time to really allow myself to embrace things. Sure, sometimes the occasional Christmas concert in late November feels fine, and of course there’s the Santa Claus Parade, which in many Canadian cities usually happens in late November. Those are ok, but really for me, it’s December.

Sadly, the commercialization of Christmas has many stores now putting Christmas decorations up before Halloween is even over! Ridiculous.

Why do I love this month?

Well…for starters, my birthday falls in this month, which is dandy. But the bigger reason is because of the Christmas season and all the gestures of goodwill and kindness that often come with it. Although I don’t give great weight to the Christian religious significance of Christmas, I DO give weight to the spirit of giving and generosity.

I think too many of us are too stingy with each other too often. (Yes, that’s 3 “too’s” in one sentence). We need to be more generous.

I’m not talking about being generous in material ways. We’re far too commercial a society for that.

I’m talking about a much more important form of generosity. I’m talking about a generosity of spirit; about kindness, about helping people, about making best-case assumptions instead of worst-case assumptions.

This, we could all do more of.

I am of course fully aware that in this wonderful multicultural world we live in, many of you reading this do not celebrate Christmas, and that’s completely fine. I’m not asking you to celebrate MY tradition. I AM asking you to respect it, but more importantly I’m inviting you to participate in the beneficial human dynamic it can foster: that spirit of generosity and kindness.

A final note: because of the power of political correctness (in Canada and the US in particular), I actually hesitated to write this happy blog post. But then I said to myself, “No. I’m not going to call this some kind of meaningless generic “Happy Holidays” message. I will share the beauty I see in the tradition I celebrate, and share that with you. I offer it with sincerity and humility.

Celebrate and give generously of yourself.

This inherent wisdom is one of the most important sources of knowledge we can tap into in our lives.

So how do you access it?

One of the key strategies is to simply give yourself quiet time. 

During that quiet time, your task is not to read, listen to music (unless it is very calming instrumental music – that’s generally ok), sort out your “to do’s” for tomorrow, or any of the other 1,000 things you could be doing at any point in time.  No, your task is do sit quietly, close your eyes, and listen for what comes up.  Notice themes and patterns.  You might even ask yourself, “I wonder what my next thought is going to be?”

It’s also to give yourself time, period.

That is, if you’re trying to make a big decision, allow yourself a few days to sit with it.  Even waiting one day is helpful, because while you’re sleeping, your subconscious mind is working on the puzzle.  Ever notice how you’re noodling on a problem, then wake up the next morning with a bright idea about it?

That’s intuitive wisdom in action.

Next time you’re in the process of making an important choice – especially one you feel conflicted about – give yourself the time (and the quiet space) to find the REAL answer that’s right for you.

This applies to all kinds of messes, I believe: messes around the house, a messy office, a messy filing system, and especially messes in relationships.

That’s the theme of this blog post: cleaning up messes in relationships.

I’m in the process of doing exactly that with several important relationships.  In all cases, I have already previously made attempts to clean up the mess, without success.  In fact in almost all of the cases, the ball has been in the other party’s court for a while, but they haven’t taken action.  Out of respect for their preference (and if I’m really honest, also out of a desire not to rock the boat excessively and upset them too much), I have sat, waiting.

But I’m done waiting.

Why?  Because it costs me too much.

So I’ve reached out to people, put difficult topics on the table, worked some out already and I’m in the process of working others out, and the feeling is superb.  It’s like removing shackles or heavy chains that were weighing me down.

The other benefit: in most cases, while it creates some discomfort for the other party initially, they end up better off too, because the mess was of course bothering them.  They (and I) just didn’t want to crank things up enough to deal with it. What does it take? Courage.

My invitation: drum up some courage and go clean up a relationship mess this week (or at least start the process).  I think you’ll be glad you did.