At whom? Myself. Why?

Here’s the situation.

It’s 7:44pm on Halloween Night as I begin this posting.

I just left my 21-month-old daughter and 8-month-pregnant wife – both in tears – to go work out of town for a day, after a half-finished Halloween night.

It didn’t have to be this way.

My instinct told me to book a LATE flight out (10:30pm), so I could fully participate in everything, and even put my daughter to bed (which I really enjoy doing 95% of the time I do it).

Sure, it would get me to the hotel late, but so what? Many hundreds of times I have done world-class work on just two hours’ sleep, and this original plan would have given me a good 5 hours’ worth. Plenty in the circumstances.

Then, when I was about to book my flights, I consulted with someone who suggested I take the earlier flight (9pm) so I wouldn’t have such a late night.

Against my better judgement, I booked the earlier flight.

Now here I sit en route to the airport, feeling rotten, and kicking myself for having AGAIN gone against my own wisdom and suffered the consequences.

“How many times?” I ask myself.

“How many times do I need to not trust myself and suffer the consequences before I will FINALLY give myself more credit?”

Apparently, “At least one more” is the answer to that question.

Here’s the thing:

When people give me advice, too often I ignore the fact that they are not me..

What I mean is, they don’t have the same interests and needs as I do. Even if they’re trying to guess at my interests, wants, and needs, they’re only guessing.

I’m now in the airport lounge, about to head to the gate and board the flight. Feeling calmer, but still not happy about my decision and its consequences.

Sigh. Why is learning of this sort sometimes SO slow?

Patience. I need more patience.

He did a lot in his lifetime – A LOT – at least on the professional front. I don’t know enough about his personal life to comment there.

From what I’ve read about him over the years and in the past few days, he could be pretty rough on people, so I have a bit of a question in my mind about some of his methods. But then, no one’s perfect. I sure am not.

What some said, however, was that although Steve was often ruthless in his criticism, at the same time his passion for excellence often inspired people to do their best.

It’s fair to say that Steve Jobs definitely did “Make it Count” in his professional life. Indeed, here I sit typing this blog post on my iPhone!

Last night I watched this wonderful video of his commencement address to the graduating class of Stanford University in 2005, a year after he had first been diagnosed with and treated for pancreatic cancer.

It gives a decent glimpse into the man rather than “the businessman”. He offers some personal stories and some great wisdom. I encourage you to spend the +/- 15 minutes to watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF8uR6Z6KLc

One of the things I liked most about what he said is, “…your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.

This is something I’m just coming back from myself, so I can really relate to the cost of not living MY OWN life according to what matters most to ME.

Make it count.

Peter.

Shocking, probably, especially if you live in large swaths of Ontario and East in Canada, and the northeastern US.  Why?  Because May felt like just another April: cold and wet.  Thankfully, I only had to endure about half of it, since I was in Asia until mid-May. 

But anyway, I digress.

The point of this blog entry is just to mark – for myself and for all of you – the passage of another month, and ask you: how’s your year going? 

Are you on track vis-a-vis your goals?  If not, what are you going to change so you increase the odds of achieving them? 

I’m on track with some goals, behind on others.  This is normal, but the point is to be conscious about “checking in” with yourself.  One of them is a very important one to me, so it needs time and attention – more time & attention than its gotten so far.  So, I’ve got the beginnings of a revised plan, and I’ve got more to do. 

Remember: a goal without a plan is basically just wishful thinking. 

Wishing you well as you move toward your goals.

I believe one of the ways you can let go of things more often is if you stop trying to force things to happen, and to happen when and how you’d like it.

I’m someone who wants a lot out of life.  I’ve done a lot of things, been to a lot of places, accomplished a lot.  Thankfully I am gradually learning to moderate my pace more often these days, and very importantly, I’ve learned to take breaks for myself and my family.

Still, when you’re wired the way I am, the notion of just “allowing” things to happen & develop – without taking some kind of proactive role – is foreign to me.

But that’s what I’m recommending.

Not all the time, not in every situation, but more often.

I need to make one thing clear though: allowing doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t do anything to encourage events to work out well for you.  Perhaps a better word – instead of “allowing” – is “directing”.

The main thing I’m suggesting
is that you go with the current more often,
using your rudder to steer,
instead of paddling upstream all the time.

You’re probably just making your life harder than it needs to be when you try to force everything.

So, set an intention, make plans, have goals, take action. Absolutely.

AND, remember what John Lennon so wisely said:

“Life is what happens while you’re busy making plans”.

It had been with me for a couple of days, and – per my earlier blog post – I was working on letting it go. 

But I was still discouraged.  A little angry, but mostly discouraged and feeling like maybe there wasn’t any good solution to this problem. 

I journaled about it.  That helped. 
I took some time to try putting things in perspective – unsuccessfully.
So I turned to music. 
I let myself feel sad for a short time, to actually feel and process the sadness.
Then I switched the music, to something more encouraging:
A song that talked about “not giving up”. 
I was still feeling very pensive, but it was helping.
By this point I happened to be in my kitchen.
My wife was there, with my young daughter who was in her high chair, eating breakfast.
I was facing away from my daughter, preparing some food, while the song was playing.

Then I turned around
and saw my little girl
in her highchair
bouncing up and down to the music
with a HUGE smile on her face. 

And everything changed.

She put it all in perspective in that very second.

She reminded me that all we have is any given moment.  That it’s worth enjoying those moments.  And that, worrying and fretting is overrated.  I wish I took a photo of her at that second to share with (although it is firmly planted in my memory).

Once again, she was my teacher.

I have for a long time believed that we learn a lot from our children, if we pay attention. 

One of the best lessons we (re)learn, is the experience of being in the moment.

To living in the moment, and having the wisdom and humility to learn from those around us.

And to finish, here is my sweetheart this morning.  Smiling, curious, and wanting to grab my iPhone (can you blame her?)

Have a wonderful weekend, wherever you are.

Today I’m writing about a topic I think is important for all of us: letting go.

There are so many things in our lives we try to control.  We often believe that that ability to control something will give us a sense of comfort or safety.  But it’s a false promise.  Why?

Because in the act of trying to contol everything, we stress ourselves out.

The other day I got a powerful reminder that I need to let go of some things I’ve been holding onto for a while, trying to control.  I need to stop fighting these battles and allow events to take their natural course.

I didn’t like being reminded.  I was angry, agitated, even confused.

But then I remembered: who am I helping by holding onto something that isn’t working and hasn’t been working for quite a while?  The answer: nobody.

So I let go.

The result?  An immediate, HUGE sense of relief.  Ease.  Comfort.  All the things I’d been seeking by trying to control it.  Yet another of life’s ironies.  Our fears drive us to grab on tight and try to steer things.  But if we summon just a bit of courage (or maybe a lot) and let go more often, we end up doing much better.

It’s important for me to add that “letting go” doesn’t mean you don’t care anymore.  It also doesn’t mean you don’t take any action to try to make things better.  It just means you stop fighting and controlling and trying to force things.

Over to you for the challenge.

To ease, freedom, courage.

I’m back in Canada now; back on “the other side of the world”.

This morning I started with some exercise, along with a bit of time to enjoy the beautiful sights and smells of spring’s “new life” in the parks near my home.  Here are a few photos of what I enjoyed:

The thing I love most about this time of year is the sense of renewal, of new life, new possibilities.  There’s a certain excitement in the air that is nice to feel. 

This reminds me of the need to constantly create renewal in our own lives.  It’s healthy for us. 

Here’s wishing you all the enjoyment that comes with renewal and new beginnings.

I’ve been working like crazy on a bunch of deliverables:
1. Wrapping up the teaching period here at INSEAD business school in Singapore
2. Preparing for upcoming client engagements
3. Overseeing forthcoming modifications to CommonOutlook.com’s website; and
4. Creating a new product we’ll be launching in June as part of our commitment to make a bigger difference in the world.

…along with a myriad of other things, and a mix of feelings as I prepare to wrap up a wonderful experience here in Singapore.

It all came to a head last night when, after missing an important deadline on Monday (and believing I could recover and still finish the key deliverables by Tuesday night Singapore time), I realized it was not going to happen.

That, combined with a number of VERY late nights and early mornings, and I hit the wall. 

I woke up this morning tired.  Heavy.  Feeling rotten.  And, I had a 2-hour conference call booked with key members of my team back in Toronto, staring at 7:30am  my time (which is of course taking a chunk out of their evening).  Hmm.

The call was pretty flat. 

Sure, we got through our agenda and we accomplished things, but it was a struggle.  You know what I’m talking about.  You’ve all been there, right?

At the end of the call, it just didn’t feel right. 

So I decided to share with the team what was going on for me.  I had given them a bit of a heads up at the start of the call when we were “checking in” with each other that I was quite tired and my energy was low, but that I’d do my best.  But I needed to say more.  I was not willing to leave my team like this – especially since I am heading for Australia tomorrow morning early (gotta be at the airport at 5am – ouch!) for what I’m now calling a 10-day ”partially working holiday”.  By the way, it’s not my usual practice to work during a holiday, but I’ll do it this time and it will be ok.  And, it’s definitely still worth going.  We’ll be visiting dear friends who have a 2nd child whom we have not met, and they have not met our little girl.  It will be terrific, quality time with quality people. 

So I spoke up. 

I told them about the disappointment I was feeling in myself, while at the same time feeling excitement about the new product as it was coming together and looking really good, combined with gratitude for all of their efforts and all of their good work.  I told them about the physical energy drain.  I told them about how I didn’t want to leave them feeling rotten, because they were doing great things. 

It helped a lot.  And, as you can imagine, what did my team members come back with?  Great stuff.  Appreciation.  Words of caring and wisdom.  Generosity. 

I told them I was not going to allow myself to hang out with that feeling for long, because life is just too short.  They encouraged the same thing.

So, right after the call, I looked at some photos of my dear sweet little 14-month-old daughter playing on the jungle gym and going down the slide (on her own!) this past weekend.  I then emailed these photos to the people I was on the call with – because they’re not just colleagues, they’re friends now.  They sent lovely replies.

Then I got the idea to write this blog post.  And guess what: it’s helping too.  In fact, I will declare right now as I finish this post that I am letting go of the disappointment and moving on. 

Thanks for listening.

It’s 16 mins 55 seconds long, and I believe it will be one of the best 16 minutes 55 seconds you’ve spent in a while.

By the way, you’ll see that the title of the talk is “A Kinder, Gentler Philosophy of Success”.  I believe it is, AND, I also believe it is a much more astute, robust, and real view of these concepts.

Have a look:

I’ve been awake for a while, processing various thoughts now that I’ve got a bit of space to think after a very intense 2 weeks. 

One of the things I’m thinking about is one of the key negotiations I had with a key team-member over the past two weeks.  As I reflected on it, I found myself saying, “I should write a blog post about this”. 

I even pulled out my laptop and fired it up to start writing.

And then I realized.  I was saying the words I SHOULD. 

DING DING DING DING!  Mental alarm bells went off.

So I paused. 

Then I said to myself: “Peter, this is the trap you’ve been pulling yourself out of for almost a year now.  Here’s one more subtle way to keep getting out of it”.  So I stopped what I was doing.  “BRAVO!”  I said to myself.  I caught it mid-stream and changed the direction.

Then an idea hit me: I could write a blog post about catching the “should” in action!

The best part: there wasn’t a SHOULD behind this idea.  It was a “I want to”.  I was drawn toward it.  And now I’ve written it.  TA DAAAA!!!  The best part: I HAD FUN WRITING IT!  I had passion for the subject and I enjoyed the process.

May we all dump as many shoulds as possible from our lives. 
“Shoulds” act as chains, weights; dragging us down and destroying our passion and energy. 

By the way, I am NOT recommending that you suddenly reneg on all your obligations and commitments.  I’m saying I think it’s a good idea to find a way to relate to those obligations and commitments from a place of passion and inspiration. And if you can’t change your mindset about it, you might want to reevaluate why you’re doing it at all.