Relationship Repaired

In my last two postings I discussed a situation with a long-time colleague where I created a problem by (a) ignoring my instincts, and (b) more specifically, ignoring my instincts that told me NOT to address a potentially sensitive topic in an email.  

I'm happy to report that now, the relationship has been repaired.  

How?  Through an honest, authentic, open conversation where each one of us was willing to be vulnerable, to tell the ugly truth about what we thought and felt, and where each one of us was willing to acknowledge something we could have done differently.  

I began by apologizing for even putting the topic in an email in the first place.  I could immediately feel a shift in his energy – a positive shift.  In fact, I sensed relief.  We took the time to hear each other out (I heard him out first since he was the aggrieved party, so at a minimum I felt I should let him speak first if he wanted to).  We also took the time and demonstrated the courage and commitment to really put it all out there, and to explore openly questions or items that came up.  In the end, I asked him how he felt, and his answer was, "Much better.  There's a wound that needs a bit of time to heal, but I feel much better."  

For me, what's ironic (or not really ironic, when you stop and think about it), is that I feel closer to him now than I did BEFORE THE PROBLEM.  In fact, I sent him a note the next day saying exactly that.  On the phone we both acknowledged the notion that you really get a sense for what people are made of when there is a problem.  Their response to that situation will tell you a lot more about what they're REALLY made of than 5 years of "happy happy" contact. 

What's my lesson?  There are several, actually:

• First, as I already noted, listen to your instincts!
• Honour your closest relationships.  If you make a mistake, hang in there and clean things up.  Why injure or destroy a great relationship because of one fight?
• If you make a mess, you have to be willing to be authentic about cleaning it up.  You need to be willing to show your warts and look bad.  I know this doesn't sound attractive, but if you reflect on your experience, this is exactly what creates the opening for something new. 

So, I'll chalk it up to being human and to growth.  Still, it's painful each time, so I'm happy that I've got some frameworks to guide me and my feelings through this process.  

Many thanks,

Peter.