I remember participating in a course many years ago and hearing the course leader say this:

If you are powerful, you don’t need to use force.
and
People often use force when they don’t feel powerful.

This notion really resonated at the time, and since then I have seen this distinction play out again and again.  What do I mean when I use these words?

By power, I mean “internal” power: strength of character, integrity, credibility, a strong and positive reputation, a history of deeds matching words, quiet confidence, a deep sense of knowing, conviction, moral high ground, and so on.   These things are developed over time and generally have to be earned.

By force, I mean more of an “external” thing: money, political position, organizational rank in a hierarchy, physical strength, military resources, etc.

Notice how different these are?

Using force can produce a short term result in your favour, but comes at considerable cost and is often unsustainable over the long term.  We often use force because of our fear or our greed.

In contrast, power is often not used intentionally or explicitly.  The party in question simply “has” power because of who they are, what they have accomplished, how they have treated people, and what he or she has done to develop himself or herself as a person.  Thus, in their interactions with people, this power is simply present.  It commands respect.  It causes people to listen to and believe what they are saying.  It attracts people, often inspires people, and in fact often puts them at ease. It tends to be more sustainable, and produce more sustainable outcomes.

I invite you to observe yourself the next time you’re trying to influence someone or get something done in your life.  Are you being powerful in your approach, or are you using force?  What is the impact of each strategy?  What are the costs and benefits?

I believe you’ll see that investing in and building your power is worth your while.  You’ll appreciate the decreasing need to force your way through.

Two weekends ago I attended an AMAZING course led by a gentleman named Robin Sharma (www.robinsharma.com).  His specialty is leadership, but this course was about living the life you really want for yourself and awakening the best version of who you are: your authentic self.

It was a most inspiring weekend and contained many pieces of advice on getting back to the truest version of who you are, and living your life from that place.

Robin is author of the international bestseller “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari”, among several other books, and has many useful products and offerings on the topic of leadership and greatness.  He himself is authentic, grounded, humble, and walks his talk.  The world can use more people like Robin.

If you’re looking to take your game up in life and get back to who you really are, check out some of his stuff.  I recommend his work highly.

Sometimes in a relationship, you have to make the choice between being loyal to that particular person, or doing something that they won’t be happy about but you know is “the right thing”.

Likely, this will result in a conflict between you and them.  But, NOT doing the right thing will only result in a bigger conflict later.

I’ll use an example to explain what I mean.

Imagine you’re in a team working on a project with another team.  Over time, a pattern has developed where during project meetings, one of your teammates (Brandon, a long-time colleague and friend of yours) repeatedly attacks Sanjay, a member of the other team about an issue that keeps surfacing.  You agree with part of Brandon’s point, but you don’t like how he’s approaching the situation or how he treats Sanjay.

You’ve said something to Brandon about it before, but he hasn’t changed his approach and it’s really affecting the team dynamics adversely.  You know that you’re the one he will listen to most, based on your relationship.  But, when you raised the subject the first time, he responded pretty negatively and wasn’t very open to what you had to say.

You face a choice:

Stay loyal to Brandon and leave the issue alone

OR

Engage the topic with him, which you know will create a conflict between the two of you.

It’s clear that in any given moment, the downside of engaging the topic outweighs the upside.   But it’s also clear that NOT engaging the topic will cause the situation to continue deteriorating.  It’s time for action.

If you really think about it, though, the situation as it stands is not benefiting Brandon either.  His actions have already made a bad name for him in this project, and bad news spreads quickly.  Furthermore, he’s not getting the result he wants from the other side anyway.  So in a sense, you are being disloyal to Brandon if you don’t engage the difficult discussion with him.

Unchanged, everybody loses in this situation, but if you’re willing to take the problem on, everyone can win.